The Front Bottoms – Twin Sized Mattress

“With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay.

You said, ‘Hey man I love you, but no fucking way.'”

Then you turned on your heel without a single glance back

And you’ve left me all alone my heart split down the crack

I drowned my heart in alcohol hoping to cure the pain

My drunk heart tried to text you and my brain tried to refrain

But time after time I wanted to press send

Never wanting us to come to such a bitter end

After a time I forgot what it was like to wake up and see your eyes

But I started to remember all of your lies

I don’t miss you anymore

I miss the person I fell for

New Beginnings

There’s always the standard for a New Year’s Resolution. Be healthier, be smarter, be happier, etc. My overall resolution is just to be better. I want to develop better and healthier relationships, I want to find comfort with myself and be happy with the choices I have made. I want to have a better life, to have a life I want to live.

First things first, positivity. I’ve already starting finding positive things to focus on and I’m working on overall having a more positive outlook on life. I want to try meditation and yoga to help me find peace within my mind and to think of things without a negative connotation. The root of being happy is to be positive and accepting of all things that happen. Even if a negative thing happens, it doesn’t have to make you negative.

I’m wanting to become more physically healthy too. I want to eat foods that are good for my body and to be doing a lot of physical activity. But I don’t want to do physical activity to force myself to be healthy, I want to be doing physical activity that I enjoy that will eventually make me healthy. I want to do lots of hiking and jogging, I want to do rock climbing and swimming because those things will make me happy and make me healthy. Eating healthier will make me happier too because it’ll be good for my body.

Overall, I just want to become a better person and to live a better life. I’m sick of making up excuses for not living the life I want to live. If I can be happy and healthy and positive, why shouldn’t I?

Vixed

Vixen, a tall slender woman with a faint snake print on her all black clothing, pushed a large button on the side of the gaping hole in the wall. “There’s something you should know, in case you don’t come back.” She tugged on the rope binding Birdy’s arms together, bending some of the feathers in half. “She’s not your real mother… I am.”

Then Vixen pushed her into the wormhole.

By the time Birdy ended up on the other side of the wormhole, she was disorientated and very, very confused. She had ended up in what seemed like a dusty basement, full of wooden crates covered in moss and mold. A sharp nail was sticking out of one of the crates so she slowly crawled her way over to it and twisted her arms around to stick the rope on the nail. Birdy dragged the rope back and forth over the nail, going agonizingly slow so that the rope wouldn’t slip off the nail.

All the while, she was comparing and contrasting the woman Vixen with the woman she had thought to be her mother. Her mother Karen was caring and gentle, always accepting of her daughters strange powers although she didn’t understand them at all. Vixen, on the other hand, was the cruel woman that owned the book shop Birdy worked at. She was strict and had a sharp tongue, always criticizing Birdy for any mistakes she made while organizing and maintaining the books.

Karen was a short blonde with soft features and a round face, the opposite of Birdy. But Vixen had a sharp chin and a strong jawbone, with dark eyes. Birdy was a mirror image of Vixen, and that scared her. She couldn’t believe that Vixen could be her mother, but everything made sense.

Right as the rope ripped in half, Birdy heard a loud crash upstairs. She shivered, feeling a strong wave of magic flush through the house. She spread her arms wide, feathers suddenly bursting from her hands and arms to form beautiful large wings. It was time to go kill her enemy, Vixen.

Do you ever?

Do you ever realize that at any moment in your life, you can change anything about yourself. So you decide you want to start wearing red lipstick and stilettos and you want to break boys hearts and kiss people you’ll never see again. You’re probably too scared, too worried that you can’t do something like that. Well why not? At any second you can make a decision and change your life towards that decision. Throw away your sneakers and replace them with knee high boots and heels longer than your fingers. Change your life, right now.

At any second we could change our eating habits, or the people we hang out. You could choose to only listen to classical music or that you don’t want to drive cars anymore. We have so much control over our lives, and yet we’re too damn scared to do anything we want. Why don’t we do what we want? Because we’re scared. The minute you decide you don’t care what your neighbor or mother or brother thinks about you, you’re a step closer to becoming anyone you want.

Say you do change, and you don’t like it anymore. Change back. Do whatever the hell you want. If you decide that drinking coffee in the morning doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, stop drinking coffee. The desire to drink it is all in your mind, and if you make a firm decision that you don’t need it any longer, you won’t. People are just frightened by change. They crave something new but don’t have enough faith in themselves to make something new happen.

Stop being so scared.

Be whoever you want to be.

Change, right now.

Dreams

My dreams are vivid and unexplainable. They are often a confusing mix of possible scenarios and things that most people would rather never think about. If I think about my dreams too much I begin to question my own sanity, seeing that they are so strange. Last night, my dream involved a mall on top of a mountain and something about a surgeon. I don’t even want to know how those things relate.

When it comes to real life dreams, it’s just like any other. A nice house, a cute husband and a well paying job. That’s the classic dream that we’re all brainwashed to believe is the best way to live your life. My REAL dreams? Well that would be adventuring in Europe and living in the desert, playing with penguins in Antarctica and cliff diving off of waterfalls in South America. Seeing things and meeting amazing people simply for the purpose of discovery. That’s my ultimate dream. But, unless I first make a living and have myself a lot of money, I won’t be able to do any of those things.

I’m just scared that one day I’ll realize that I have all the money I need to be able to do these crazy and adventurous things, but I’ll discover that I don’t want to anymore. That’s probably a big reason that I don’t want to have children, I selfishly believe that having kids will prevent me from doing amazing things with my life. I’m scared I’ll get married to a boring businessman that won’t allow me to explore and see beautiful things.

So my real dreams may never come true because of the choices I will make in my future. That scares me, that I may end up making a decision that overall is beneficial, but that I’ll miss out on doing the things I’ve wanted to do since I was young. Growing up sounds terrible. Growing up seems to kill a lot of dreams.

ADVERSITY

My main life challenge has been depression and anxiety for years of my life. Since 5th grade I’ve had depression and high school wasn’t too easy on me. After 10th grade I was officially diagnosed and put on anti-depressants and I have definitely improved. Although I don’t like the idea of having to use medication to live a normal life, it’s definitely made life easier. Because I’ve gone through tough times, I always want to be there for other people and I try my hardest to branch out and be kind to everyone. I’ve been told I’ve helped a lot of people with their struggles and that makes me feel like I have a purpose here. Depression sucks, but it has made me the person I am today, and I don’t know who I would be if I didn’t struggle with it.

FEAR

I think that fear of an object is really just a fear of death. If you’re scared of snakes it’s because you think the snake will bite you and that its poison will kill you and if you’re scared of heights it’s because you don’t want to fall and die. Being unafraid of death means that material objects don’t faze me quite as much as they do other people. I’ve never had phobias or been scared of the dark or of being in front of people. Instead, I’m scared of being inadequate or unneeded. I put myself out there and I’m loud and stupid because I need to feel like people are interested. I’ve always been scared that if I was gone, no one would miss me. I’m scared that I’m unimportant, and no matter what I do in my life or what kind of friends I make, I’ve never really felt important.

POEM THAT MATTERS

Direct Orders by Anis Mojgani

“You have been given a direct order to rock the f*** out.Rock out like you were just given the last rock and roll album on earth and the minutes are counting down to flames.

Rock out like the streets are empty except for you, your bicycle and your headphones.

Rock out like you get paid to disturb the peace. Rock out like music is all that you got.

Rock out like somebody’s got a barrel pointed at your temple saying ‘Rock out like your life depended on it, fool,‘ because it does.

Rock out like your eyes are fading, but you still got your ears.

Rock out like you got nothing to do, but everything.

Rock out like your dancing is all that you have to know who you are.

Rock out like your dead grandfather just came back to take a drive with you in your new car.

Rock out like the walls won’t fall but, dammit, you’re going to die trying to make them.

Rock out like the stereo’s volume knob is the figure 8 of infinity instead of merely numbers.

Rock out like it’s raining outside and you’ve got a girl to run through it with. Rock out like you throwing your window open on your honeymoon because you want the whole world to know what love is.

Rock out like you just went to your high school reunion to find everyone, even the women, are all overweight and bald, except for the former homecoming queen, who you just found out, got divorced from her impotent husband and only has eyes for.. YOU!

Rock out like a shadow man passes behind you, drops you to your knees. You’re buckling in sweat, cold metal’s pushed to your forehead, the trigger’s pulled and the gun jams.

Rock out like you got an empty appointment book, and a full tank of gas.

Rock out like this was the last weekend, like these were the last words, like you don’t ever want to forget how.”

Anis Mojgani is a wonderful slam poet. If you don’t know what slam poetry is, please educate yourself. He is Persian but was born in Texas, raised in Louisiana and then went to school in Georgia. He slams with amazing emotion and he has won the  National Individual Poetry Slam 2 times, place 2nd in the Individual World Poetry Slam, and has several other amazing achievements to date. He won his first National Individual Poetry Slam because of a technical error, a blackout in the middle of his performance added drama and intensity.

This poem is amazing because it makes you want to get up and do something with yourself. You can’t be content with a mediocre life if someone is telling you get up and rock out like you were made to disturb the peace. You have to do something and to make yourself heard. This is why I’m not pleased with staying silent and lovely, I’d rather be loud and annoying if it means that I can make someone FEEL SOMETHING.

INTRO

I was not made to sit quietly on the sidelines waiting for the right opportunity to speak my mind

I was not raised to believe that arguing is only for Congress

I don’t believe words should sit quietly in your mind

Read my poetry with a scream in your head and emotion bubbled under the surface

Read this with a loud mind and don’t expect an apology for the way they are branded into your thoughts

My blog will be a jumbled display of this disaster I call my mind

My words may not be pretty but I swear to God they mean something to me

Thank you for reading my words, you’re lovely.